Long over due!

Wow, has it really been this long? I guess it has!

J's presentation was amazing. So very powerful words really can't begin to explain how it went. His book is great. I am continually getting asked if teachers can use it at other schools, if therapists can use it with other families, if other kiddos can have a copy of it from classes that are not even in his class. The trickle down theory has happening just like I thought it would. The number of dinner time discussions that are happening in homes can't even be counted. The education is going far and beyond my hopes. The way the kids are relating to J has changed and grown. As much as I ran and continue to run from Autism, I really felt at home in front of that room of 26 children - teachers - and parents. Glancing in the back of the room there wasn't a dry eye. J's dad, and sister came. We all spoke our introductions.

I'm Becky, you know me as J's mom! One thing you notice about me right away is... I'm very short! There is one thing about me you didn't know though, I can tap dance!"

*the little eyes opened up*

I'm Miles, you know me as J's dad! One thing you notice about me right away is... I have some crazy tattoos all over my arm! There is one thing you didn't know though, I was state wrestling champion in High School!"

*the little eyes opened up and he got some ohhhhhh's*

I'm A, J's big sister. One thing you notice about me right away is.... I have all these braces in my mouth with crazy colors! There is one thing you didn't know though, I am a very good drawer!"

*the little eyes are wide open now*

They were thinking, whats coming next I wonder?

Now it was J's turn. I introduced him.

You all know J, one thing you notice about him right away is that he has Autism, but there are a lot of things you DON'T know and he is going to share those things with you!

J and I wrote the book and Miles was the creative drive behind the book. Miles enlarged J's book to poster size and had it on an art easel. J used a pointer and read his book to his classmates. Pretty amazing, he is actually a ham. He went pretty fast due to his nerves. After he was done I went back through the book with the kids explaining things in better detail. After that we had a snack break and some down time. Next... question answer time! Wow, I knew that was going to be interesting. We had some really great questions such as "Is there a pill he could take to fix it?" "Exactly how super powered is his hearing?" At the very end his teacher came up to the front of the room and said "OK, lets share some things we have learned today about Autism, or about J and his family!" They retained so much! I'm so proud of his peers. I'm so proud of him. I'm so proud of me. Autism has been no walk in the park for me, I'm not sure I'll ever really make my peace with it. I have accepted it but that doesn't ever mean I will like it.

I could write about 1,000 pages on what has been happening with J, his highs, his lows, I won't though as I don't have time. He is J! What else can I say? A wonderful ray of light who touches lives on a level I never thought possible. He is here on this earth for a purpose, far beyond anything I could do justice to in a blog post.

"A"

My beautiful, lovely, trying 14 1/2 year old. Is doing WELL!!! Grades are up, boyfriend free (knock on wood), and only really acts monstrous during the hormonal swing once a month. I enjoy her company, she makes me laugh. I can see so much of myself in her its almost scary. Her mannerisms, the way she sits, the things she says. We are finally coming into our own I think, navigating new roads. The roads will have twists and turns but hopefully we will be able to stay on the course as best we can *together*. We can tackle anything *together*. United we stand, divided we fall. I think she is starting to see this? I'm really proud of that kid, her plate is as full as mine. It is her path though, and I have to let her walk it. I'm walking it with her but at this age she has to navigate now. Teaching responsibility/cause/effect is never a fun job!! I'm always there to sit with her when she falls though, always.

I'm am busier than busy. I know that one day I will look back on this time in my life and wonder how I did all this?! School is going well, grades are great. It's one of the benefits of being the over-achiever Type A personality. Remembering to take care of myself and baby my inner child is coming along and getting easier. Not being so hard on myself, and not continually beating myself up doesn't seem to be at the forefront of my mind anymore. Progress.. progress. I'm not trying to take care of other people anymore either. I can set boundaries, I can care, I can listen and then I can take a step back and be done. I still struggle with communication but that is coming along as well. Holding people at arms length is how I survived, self preservation. Things like that don't change over night.

04/07/2009

I've been trying to finish this forever but I haven't! J still is great. A has had a few set backs but that happens with teens, and everything she has going on. Everything WE have going.

I'm so tired of school I could vomit. I'm so close to being done though. I'm being pulled in an interesting direction ... my heart is pulling me in an interesting direction. I am about to have my BA in Business/Health Services Management. However, something felt so right about J's presentation. This is food for thought. I'm sure I can merge those two. I have had multiple people bring to my attention that I really have a gift in this whole teaching education thing. *insert major eye rollage* Food for thought anyway... food for thought.

So I am going to sit down and put together some pictures of the turd birds. My how they've grown right?

Oh yeah, crazy business on the home front. Cabe is moving here sometime this summer to live with Miles full time. J will love having his brother around all the time. Alex is with mixed emotions about this, which is to be expected. They will be at the same school after all. She's a pretty deep kid, with a constant twisting and twirling of emotions happening inside. Every time I think I have her nailed down, I don't! *sigh* Chip off the 'ole block probably, right? It's okay, we are all growing together.

We plan to be out of this house this summer and in our own places. There is a lot going on. When isn't there a lot going on? Someday... there will not be A LOT GOING ON!

It's off to go select pictures now.

It's getting closer....

I'm home today working on it. It's coming... soon! J's presentation. I'm also doing MY school work today. Anyway, I just wanted to share what I sent out to all the parents of J's class and a few responses. It's pretty cool. J is really loved. I'm nervous, I won't lie. I know there is nothing to be nervous about, but I'm still nervous. It's a big deal.

Hello, my name is Becky F___. Our kids are in Mrs. H's 2nd grade class at ________ Elementary. Most of you know, and some of you may not know that J was diagnosed with Autism at the age of 2.

On Thursday February 13th J's dad (Miles), his 14 year old sister (Al) and myself will be visiting the classroom to talk about Autism. J has written a small book (a J story so to speak) to present to the class in hopes to help explain to his peers what Autism looks and feels like on a 7-8 year level. We hope to start around 9:35 AM.

I would like to take this opportunity to invite you all to come and listen in. We will have an answer/question portion, but just for the kids. If any of you ever do have any questions please feel free to pull me aside or email me at anytime, I would love to talk to you. Knowledge is power!

All of our children are wonderful, and they all have so many strengths to share. We all have strengths and differences. One of my many goals for Thursday is the hope to plant the seed "what you see on the outside is not what is always on the inside'".

Thanks
Becky, Miles, Al and J

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I so wish I could be there! Congratulations to J for having the courage to go in front of the class and talk about Autism.

Parent
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Thanks for doing that Becky. It is always nice to have the children learn about each other's strengths and differences. By the way, it was nice to see J at L's party on Sunday. I wanted to let you know that J has had a wonderful affect on my son D. D and I walked out right after you, and D said something to the affect of " Mom, wow it was nice to see J at the party, you know he is really nice, and an AWESOME reader". Thanks again for the talk. J is a sweet boy.

Parent

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Becky -

It was great officially meeting you this weekend at L's birthday party -
I think this is great. I'm sad to say I have a work meeting that I cannot miss on Thursday AM - otherwise I would have LOVED to have come.
I think this is great! Good luck, it'll be fantastic.

Parent

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I have had the opportunity to speak with J on several occasions while volunteering in the classroom, and I am always so impressed with him. He is a bright, sweet, and wonderful child who positively impacts his fellow students, as well as whoever he meets!

I have an appointment at 10:00am, but hope to be able to catch a few minutes of the presentation. Thank you SOOOOOOO much for putting it together. It will be a great experience for J's classmates, as well as adults, to understand more about him.

Parent

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What a great message to share with the kids, of course it will help them understand J more and it will help them to be more sensitive to other kids as well. I'm going to try to make it if I don't have a client that morning.

Parent

Blogging, whats that?

Lets see if I remember how to do this?

I'm busy. Really busy. Let me explain a day in the life of me!

I wake up and rush to get ready for work.
Rush out the door and drop Al off at school.
Rush to work.
I work at my J O B, the job I keep getting raises at *ahem*.
I leave and pick up J.
We chill out for a few minutes.
I pick up Al.
I do homework with J (no easy task).
The children expect me to feed them (why is it they look to ME for food?)
I do homework with Al (no easy task) because she is gonna get good grades dammit.
Clean up messes (no easy task).
Make J's lunch for school the next day.
Some nights I am putting J to bed, other night Miles is putting J to bed.
In the midst of all this chaos I am trying to do my own school work.
Some nights Al reminds me that she needs _____ for school and we dash to the store.
When all is quiet, I really settle down to do MY school work.
Now its shower time so that we don't have shower wars in the morning.
Now its time to pass out so in the morning so I can wake up and do it all over again.

I'm not complaining (that much). I'm just beyond exhausted.. all the time. I go to my counseling. I go to Al's counseling. Her father has picked a lovely time to decide he wants to try to reappear in her life. *insert long sigh* Will it work, no. Do I have to let it happen, yes. Is it devastating to watch, I don't even have words. Is it her path, yes. Will I be there to pick up the pieces, do you even have to ask?

Al is doing well for a hormonally challenged 14 year old. She is handling all the goings on decently. It's no easy task for any of us. I'm pretty proud of her (when we are not having *Battle of Estrogen Part 50,345* that is).

J is writing a book to present to his class about his Autism, its a riot! This is gonna be good. We are inviting parents to come. Autism isn't scary, not something that needs to be whispered about. His peers will take this year of their lives with them forever. They will be adults and think back to their 2nd grade year. "I remember in the 2nd grade. I went to school with a boy who had Autism. His family (we are all going even Al) came to our class one day and talked to us about it. It was really cool. That little boy rocked." Thats pretty awesome. J is pretty awesome. We all have code names at the moment. I am not mom I am momster. He is not J he is The Incredible Mr. J. Al is The Incredible Ms. S. and Miles is Captain Awesome. He's been a bit frantic lately and a bit high strung. It comes with the territory. Life with J is a roller coaster. It is what it is. A mom from his class pulls me aside the other day and asks if J was my son. Panic grips my stomach because of course she knows J is my son. I lost all anonymity long ago. I smile sweetly and say "Yes, he is my son." She says "He is so wonderful... let me share this story with you. It happened early on in the school year..... I was volunteering in the lunch room and this is how the exchange went-

J approaches mother volunteer randomly: You are VERY pretty!!!!
Mother volunteer says (stunned): Oh my gosh THANK YOU J, thats very sweet!!
Fellow neuro typical student who is actually a good friend of J: Don't mind J, he has special needs.

Oh dear lord!! I just stood there dying!! J's teacher and I were laughing. The mother was laughing. She said "There I was thinking -I'm pretty! I'm pretty! and some kid took my glory." Just goes to show ya, those neuro typical kids aren't all they are cracked up to be. My J is the most sweet soul you will ever meet. He is kind and loving, and very addicting. Its both amazing and challenging. People adore him and take care of him which is great but sometimes he needs to find ways to step up to the plate so to speak. He just oozes goodness. Oh he can be a pistol, he is just very loved at his school, well everywhere really.

So thats my update folks. I'm doing the best I can do. I'm proud of myself. Who knew back in June that I could do all this? Al and I are doing really well, better than ever. J and I are fab as usual. I'm back with a vengeance. I'm gonna get this shit right come hell or high water.

I have screwed up....

Screwed up not in the terms... OH SHIT I've screwed up and it can't be fixed but more along the lines of I knew I was screwing up and I couldn't stop myself.

Al and I finally talked today and she isn't in the greatest of shape. (Not new news). Apparently my hiding out the majority of the Christmas break has made her feel really bad. I feel like a world class ass. A world class ass because for once in the whole time that I have known Miles he was better equipped to deal with this holiday season than I was. Now this could be up for debate. "Deal" really is a relative word but when it comes to the eyes of the children, he did a better job. I am not used to failing at things. I couldn't seem to fake it, even for the kids this year. I will be eternally grateful to Miles for picking up the slack. Maybe its where I am, but its like I'm simply refusing to pretend anymore? Maybe it was just to overwhelming for me?

Even in a conversation with my older brother.... I lost my shit? Not lose my shit as in "you bastard". I was calmly trying to explain why I hadn't called him in oh.... 3 1/2 months time? HA. He seemed to understand, not understand, but at least try to understand that I was struggling with issues surrounding his daughter and his lack thereof involvement in her life (I did NOT use those words however). That morphed into a conversation regarding our father. How I love him but his sheer denial all of my life has been a great source of stress for me. Not to mention the Christmas card in the mail addressed to Mr. and Mrs. Miles _________. (Seriously? Did he really do that?). My poor brother not really understanding anything and he gets a defense posture often. He says well I'm doing fine *insert the you are starting to piss me off little sister voice*. That was the straw that broke the camels back for me. Fine? I said "That's it right there (insert big brother name)". I am sick and tired of everyone in this family saying they are fine!?! Really, is everyone fine?!?! Honestly... we are all doing really great!" I stopped myself from really going to town. I love him and I don't want to hurt him, but I am really done with the denial shit. He is not fine, my dad is not fine, for fucksake I am not fine?! We wrapped up the conversation and as we were saying goodbye my big brother, my protector started to cry. He said I think I will go cry for you now. Was he crying for me or was he crying for himself? I don't know. It sucked though.

Okay, I need to pull myself out of this. I am not a perfect person. I make mistakes. I will continue to make mistakes. Rome wasn't built in a day. I apologized to Al, told her what was going on with me. I will send Cabe an email. I will talk to Miles when he comes home and thank him for picking up the slack. He deserves the credit, he really does. It's usually me that holds it all together. Not this year, I'm glad he stepped up to the plate.

2009 intimidates me a bit. It's supposed to be a new year, a fresh start. I'm afraid my friends that I still have a fair amount of shit to wade through... and I'm scared.

Is it over?

Is it over? I think its over... but its really not over.

We made it through Christmas, it wasn't bad, just different. Miles and I came from different levels of the house at 10:00 PM (get it? meeting in the middle hahahahah) to put out the presents and take care of the business arrangements with Santa Claus. Then we went to our separate levels. The kids woke up and we did the usual. It was the same yet different. Normal with undertones of change pending on the horizon.

I wish I could peek into the kids heads and see what is going on. What was Al thinking? Could she see past the presents to the bigger picture? She saw my mood swings and would ask me what was wrong. I would tell her that this was hard on me, this was a different Christmas. I am not going to hide things from her. Thats not healthy people. When things are not okay, you don't tell them that things are okay! I just don't know. It's the craziest thing because things are okay really. It IS okay to show her that mom has feelings and mom has emotions and mom can work through them. That means that Al can have feelings and emotions and Al will be able to work through them too. Hopefully... in time.... *with out me losing all my hair* my daughter will pull through in one piece.

Trying not to lose my mind is proving to be difficult. Tomorrow is New Years Eve. I was going to stay home and let Miles go out. He went out on Halloween and told me I could go out on New Years. I've decided to take him up on his offer because I am losing MY MIND! I think I took him by surprise (maybe because its last minute?). I feel bad but I need to get out, a child may get harmed. I AM KIDDING. Put the phone down. I'm just cooped up.

So try to picture this: J and I next to the Christmas tree the other night. He says to me....

J: Mom isn't the night sky lovely (mind you we are inside).
Me: Um yes?
J: But there is something really strange about it!!
Me: Uh there is?
J: YES, it unleashes THE BEAST IN ME... and grabs my face and lays a wet one on me (a kiss).

So before bed I asked J about that. He tells me that he just felt a lot of love for me, "thats all mom".

I don't know about you, but that will get me through at least another week.

Edited to say: I'm not near as healthy as I sound -- I've hide in the woman cave for a large majority of time lately! SO HA, how do ya like me now? Miles is off of work (since Christmas Eve until after the New Year). I am off of work and have no school. The kids are off of school. The house is a tad bit crowded. The woman cave is a good place to be *shrugs*. Just keepin' it real.

Edited to add: Al and I saw Curious Case of Benjamin Button. WOW.. just wow. Really good.

Edited to add: I'm done adding stuff now.